THREE WALLS, CHICAGO (May–June, 2011)
The By-Products Catalog
Get your hands on this merchandise. Get your palms on the merchandise and get your fingers up under the merchandise. Press your finger pads hard against the merchandise. The merchandise, it pushes back, knows it is being selected. The merchandise is a promise, and it awakens in your hands. Ten fingers to have and to hold and to comfort and to covet. Ten fingers conspire in desire, an ergonomic fantasy.
This Moment. When it feels just right, grab This Moment and don’t look back. And don’t look down. Don’t look at the crowd of faces. Don’t look back at the regrets that litter the road to This Moment. Brace yourself. Embrace This Moment. Available in three patinas: cloudy fingerprints, blush kiss, or unpolished raw, which tarnishes naturally with age.
If you have a gift box to fill, then fill it—with Yours Truly. Expertly selected from a pile of similar things, Yours Truly is hand-blown and self-cleaning. Truly a modern classic—nothing about Yours Truly has changed since it debuted thirty-six years ago. 100% childproof.
Nothing says comfort like wearing sweatpants to the supermarket. Nothing says feminism like a pink hammer. Nothing says self-confidence like monogrammed bath towels. Nothing says Happy Anniversary like a monster cucumber. Just tie a ribbon on it.
No garden sanctuary is complete without Cat Hole. Outdoorsy types know the practical value of Cat Hole. Now you can have Cat Hole right in your own backyard. Just dig a hole, pee in it, then cover it back up. Leave a gift for mother nature with a do-it-herself hole in the ground. Eco-friendly.
Welcome Home, Honey. The adult-contemporary homestead is a sophisticated collage of conveniences from Target and CB2 (you’ve moved beyond your IKEA phase, right?). The new bride may consider: Does the carpet match the drapery? Don’t worry about that bullshit, newlywed. Say ‘I love you’ with furnishings that touch you back: Embossed leather carpet. Hand-carved tusk flatware. Spice-rubbed lamb-jerky throw pillow. Our expert seamstress can transform any dead thing into sexy thing.
“Girl, don’t die for love”—don’t kill yourself slaving over dinner. We’ve reconstructed the kitchenette from your single-lady days, leaving no room for your strange relationship with food to manifest in the bedroom. Now it’s easy to eat one-handed at the slumber-party snackfest. Whether it’s a salad casserole, pizza pie, or energy sports bar, you’ll be the buffet queen. Available colors: creamy peach, wolf mother, black nipple.
Are you vogue or vague? Say it with tube socks. The newest offering in the Penetrables series is a one-size-holds-all body sock that allows you to slip in and out with rugged confidence. What goes inside the tube sock is anybody’s guess, but what you put in it is your own biznatch. Stretch the elastic; turn it inside out; privilege the hole. Sock is available in white, off-white, or baked brie, with your choice of stripe color: rose, primrose, dusty rose, bitch rose.
Artisanal, hand-decorated nesting boxes safekeep your keepsakes. Secret lover names, kinky gear, carb stash, epilators, fluffers, blood panel results, vagina puppets, whatever! Buy three or more to see how they nest like squirming fresh kittens. Lined with wolf teeth to deter midnight fingers. Smash-n-grab proof. Available in smoked oyster or black-don’t-crack.
From the makers of Bed Death comes the everlasting Bridal Boutonnière. Durable lead (>1.4×1017 years half-life) cradles pink hair gel (7 hours half-life) in this stunning combination of contrasts: soft and masculine; industrial and genital; danger and glamour; virgin and little white lie. Love is old, love is new.